IPT

Back in October I started a new venture in the diabetes journey of my life.  I got an insulin pump.  And it has completely changed my life!  I am so much more regular with my sugars than I have been in years.  Actually really since I was diagnosed in 2007.  My pump has become my best friend.  It's so easy to use and really doesn't interrupt my life as much as I worried that it would.  I can wear pretty much all the same clothes I used to wear before and the best part is....less injections!  No longer do I have to inject insulin 4 times a day, now I just have to change my infusion site every 3 days.  And it's so easy!!!!  I don't even have to look at the needle.  Just press 2 buttons and presto! Seriously I cannot imagine my life without my pump. 

Relationship 101

Long distance relationships are tough.  No matter how you slice it.  Sure there are ways to make it easier.  Skype, cellphones, email and texting allow you to talk to your significant other and even see them when they are far away, but it's not the same as being in the same town, able to see each other whenever you want.  We are entering month 2 of our long distance relationship.  managed to see each other 4 times the first month, but still.  The time we spend together is never enough.
Will it get easier?  Sometimes I hope not.  If it gets easier does that mean we are getting used to not seeing each other?  Happier in the company of other people?  Complacent in our relationship?
I feel like I am learning all over again how to be in relationship.  Worried I will say the wrong thing.  It's so easy for meaning to be misconstrued over email and text message.  Harder, when you are face to face and can see the facial expressions and know how your words are impacting the other person. 
Long distance relationships take work.  Work and communication.  Lots of communication.  Honest communication.  Mutual respect for each other. Understanding that priorities may not be the same anymore. 
My boyfriend is going to school to be an optometrist.  So just like when he was home over the summer and needed to realize I wasn't on vacation -- I need to realize that he has TONS of work to do and needs to focus on school.  I admit, I haven't been the most understanding girlfriend lately.  But it's hard!  It's hard when you realize you can't always get what you want exactly when you want it.  Or you aren't going to see each other for a month.  That really stinks.
I think this is going to be the biggest test of our relationship.  Month 2.  An entire month of being apart. 
If we can survive Month 2 and come out the other side, the rest of the semester will be a breeze!  The time between Halloween and Thanksgiving = easy.  Thanksgiving to Christmas = piece of cake.  And then we have 3 weeks together.  Well not completely together because I have to work, but still.  More time together than before!
I hope I can be strong and understanding and loving.  He has been so supportive of me.  Picking up my baggage.  He deserves the same support from me.  Month 2 starts today.

Healing Prayer

"On days when I have neglected my prayer, I have felt peace and serenity evaporate and anxiety and worry increase, on both a physical and spiritual level" (Kelly, 1997, 99). For so many, prayer has become more an obligation than a true communione with God. It is meaningless and mindless. A duty to be performed once a week while kneeling in church. I confess I have become one of these people. There was a time in my life when prayer was a priority; something I enjoyed above all else. But I have let the materialisttic world of today's society intrude on my relationship with God. This is not to be tolerated any longer. I am committed to changing to my prayer attitudes and habits. It starts today.
My world is full of noise. I am constantly surrounded by lights and colors whose sole goal is to distract me. I like it that way. I enjoy letting my mind wander with no particular destination. I have consciously made my life noisy so I am never alone with myself. Even in my own apartment, I have the television on or the music blaring. It is an odd sensation to sit in silence for me. Yet I know I accomplish more and feel better about myself when I am silent. When I speak to God. So why have I let my life become this circus ring of constant hustle and bustle?
In truth, I am afraid. afraid what I have let myself and my life become. Afraid to admit to God that I am not living my life in the way He intended. I am a control freak. Let's face it, most of us are in some way or another. It is difficult to simply go with the flow and let "fate" determine what happens to us. I am so afraid of disappointing someone in my life, I have disappointed the most important person of all. God. He has a plan for me, yet I refuse to be open to the one thing that may truly make me happy. Because I am scared. Scared of what peole may think of me. Silly I know, but true jst the same. I have spent most of my life living for other people. Look where it has gotten me. Surrounded by distractions because I am afraid of who I really am.
This is not a good way to live your life. It is unhealthy for your mind, body and especially your soul. Church is no longer a fulfilling place for me. I quake at the thought of judgement. Sometimes I have been so overwhelmed with disgust for myself, I have actually walked out of church before the services even began.
But that is all changing now. Starting today. How am I going to change? Well to begin with I am going to stop thinking of Jesus as judge and jury and start thinking about Him as a friend. This is going to require a total attiude adjustment. I have to stop thinking I make better decisions than He does and I have to trust He knows what is best for me. In order to change my attitudes, I have to change my habits.
The first habit I am going to change is that of turning on the television immediately when I walk in the door at night. I am going to use this quiet time to de-stress and share my day with God. Talk to Him as I would to any trusted friend or family member. In pouring out my thoughts and concerns, He will show me the right way to solve my problems. So my first hour I am home at night, I am going to have a conversation with God. In the beginning, it may help for me to talk out loud since I am so unused to silence, but my goal is to enjoy the absolute silence and peace of that time.
The second habit I am going to change is my constant worry. I work two jobs and attend school, so chances are I am constantly worrying about something. I am going to try to live by the phrase "let go, let God." Truly this will be harder habit for me to break because worry is a part of the way I define my life. To give up that worry will almost be like a sacrifice for me. The technique I am going to use to let go of this worry is one of meditation. In his book, The Rhythym of Life, Matthew Kelly talks about using the "meditation of the red rose." (1999). This is a technique of focusing on one object until all your other thoughts disappear. The red rose is significant because it is a symbol of Jesus Christ that dates back to the Middle Ages. By using this symbol to focus my thoughts, I am really focusing on the Savior himself instead of worry and stress surrounding my day.
There will be many barries to these techniques and habots. It is a natural tendency of mine to go inside my apartment and seek noise. I will have to be strong in order to overcome this weakness. I think one way to do that is to start out by talking aloud to God and begin talking the minute I open the door so in a way I am distracting myself from my normal habit. In time this will become routine and I will not even have to continue the verbal part of my prayer, only the mental part.
Meditation will also be difficult for me because I am unused to sitting still for an extended period of time in complete silence. At my job, I am constantly bombarded with demands and I am away from my desk more than I am in front of it. I will have to ignore the temptations of my body to stir, to scratch, to stretch and so on in order to train myself to relax.
I know I am placing before myself a huge challenge. I excel at challenges. I love trying to overcome enormous obstacles. I think this will be a true test of my faith in God. Prayer needs to be in the center of my life instead of at the outskirts. I have been blessed with many gifts in my life and I know I am undeserviing of many of them. God has an incredible plan for me and I have to be open to those possibilities. No longer will I be the decider of destiny. No longer will I shar way from myself and silence. I am going to focus on God and the positive things in my life. Prayer is a powerful took in my journey and I plan to use it to its fullest. My life is about to change. It starts today.

Reflections

The past week has been a rollercoaster ride for me. Feeling confident and optimistic about the future one moment and completely devastated the next. The end of a relationship is always hard to deal with, especially when it ends without a real fight. Just an understanding that here and now is not the best time for the two of you to be together. I knew we had issues we needed to work out, but I have to admit I did not see this coming. The sheer fact of being blind-sided has made me doubt myself.
Thankfully I have amazing family and friends (both new and old) who have been so supportive and loving during the last week. And I know they will be here when I need them in the future. For now, I just wanted to take some time to reflect on the things I learned in the past 11 months of my life.
1. I am worthy of a good relationship. I deserve to be in a healthy relationship with someone who respects me and himself.
2. I can do things I did not think I was capable of.
3. I LOVE college football. The atmosphere, the game, the people. It's all amazing.
4. I actually enjoy going to baseball games. Still planning on going to Wrigley this summer.
5. Road trips are fantastic. Whether you have a destination in mind or just going with the flow. Spending time on the open road is freeing.
6. I am smarter than I give myself credit for.
7. I have become closer with my family.
My theme song at the moment is Michael Buble's "I just haven't met you yet." I know there is someone out there who is going to love me just as much as I love him. He is waiting for me and when God decides the time is right, He is going to bring our paths together.
Thank you to everyone who has listened to me cry, rant, scream and just plain talk this past week. The venting and analyzing is probably not over yet, but I am so much farther than I was before. I would be nowhere without every single one of you.
The Lord is my rock and my salvation, but all my friends have been my saving grace.

God as a Lifeguard

I am constantly amazed by the messengers God uses to remind me of His presence in my life. Tonight I had one of the most honest conversations I think I have ever had with someone else and God's presence in the conversation became so obvious.
"I think of God as a lifeguard on the beach. Just checking to make sure everyone is ok."
The words struck me then and as they slid around my mind during the rest of the conversation, God placed on my heart just how true those words are in life.
God is MY lifeguard. He knows the decisions I am going to make before I make them. He know whether they are good or bad for me, but He lets me make the decision for myself. God is there to keep me from drowning, but He doesn't always keep me from getting pulled under. I have to make my own decisions, but by keeping my heart open to His words I can make the best decision possible.
We all have hard lessons to learn in life, tonight was just a reminder of the fact God is always there behind me, beside me and in front of me. Ready to save me drowning when I swim the wrong way.
"My life is in Your hands, my heart is in Your keeping. I am never without hope not when my future is with You."

{Working Title}

"Excuse me, sir."

"Sir."

"Sir, excuse me!" Ava James attempted to swallow her frustration as she tightened her fingers on the camera grip. She tried one more time, "Sir are you in this picture? Cause umm..." The rest of her sentence was left hanging on the tip of her tongue. Kennedy slipeed smoothly around her and edged Mr. Winston out of the shot.

What would I do without her? Ava thought to herself as she leaned forward to glance through the viewfinder.

The Seed

At the moment, I have about 10 story ideas floating around in my head. None of them are more than a seed waiting to be planted and cultivated. My skills are a bit rusty, because I haven't written in a long time, but hopefully this blog will give me an outlet for this hobby. I have a feeling I will be posting more later tonight, but first it is time to start some laundry and cleaning! Happy Sunday!